I tried. I really, really tried, people. I tried to watch "Oprah" today.

I poured some lime spritzer, sat down, put my feet up, and put the children out. I turned on the telly. I gazed at Oprah's beautiful new svelte self and her impeccable makeup and hair. I felt slightly jealous of her exotic kicks. I was drawn, briefly, to my knitting project, left tantalizingly close to my chair, but NO. I was going to watch "Oprah".

I finally opted to turn the sound on when I saw the segment on Oprah's trip to South Africa. The AIDS patient she visited seemed truly excited to see Oprah and the ill woman's daughter gave O a big hug. So I suppose Oprah did some good there, bringing awareness to this issue. And I'm sure she's thrown some money at the problem. Oprah is really good friends with Nelson Mandela, it seems.

This show was a look back at Oprah's production staff's favorite moments. Kind of a variety show. But after the third death story, I started flipping (really racy movies are on in the afternoon! Don't they know kids are watching??). I tried to go back to Oprah, but when I did, they showed Gwyneth Paltrow cooking and talking about her nursing breasts. I just didn't think I was up to all that. How can Oprah be up to it?

So I failed. I'm sorry. I think I have failed my fellow SAHMs out there. (SAHM = Stay At Home Mom, or, according to Dooce, Shit Ass Ho Motherfuckers) I need to try harder.

Don't I?